Stitch This

What do you classify as trauma? Everyone has a story. When is your experience worse than someone else’s? Are you being strong in carrying on or in denial?

These are the questions that I have been asking myself recently as I get back to normal life after the wedding. I think it’s because I am in a safe place from which to review past events. And boy have there been some events. I haven’t really gone into detail before as you know, my family have the right to privacy but I do know now that the sheer volume of trials and tribulations I have had to deal with is pretty hardcore.

I am getting used to the concept of the actions of others in the past causing me trauma. I am also now able to see that there are some people in my life who have caused me pain and sadness, anger and frustration because they wanted to. Deliberate cruelty and/or selfish behaviors have led to me being unhappy, rejected and ultimately deeply insecure about my capabilities and strengths.

The real problem I had was admitting that such behavior actually went on. I made excuses and invented reasons for the hurtful comments, gaslighting, bullying, controlling etc etc instead of seeing the truth. I guess the truth would have meant total reconstruction of my life and I didn’t think I could do that. But that’s exactly what I have done anyway. The bad behaviour is still there, I still get some bullying but these days I choose to walk away.

But, is walking away the best option? I think that I was treated unfairly in the past and I think I got insufficient redress for it and that the inequalities continue to this day. Money, assets, responsibility are all skewed. And little chance of a sane rebalancing. It’s a joke.

But, I can look at this life now and be so grateful for what I’ve got. I have to focus on what I have, not what others have taken from me. I write this lying next to my husband who is fast asleep and as I listen to him breathing I say a huge thank you to whatever god there is out there.

I have strength to not walk away now…I will call out bad behaviour because the good stuff should win out and be encouraged. Trauma allows for new growth but we shouldn’t forget the need to hold the perpetrators up to scrutiny. They need to be held accountable, to be shown what the consequences of their actions were. Then we will have better balance and healinG will be improved.

So, expect some posts dealing with some tricky issues in due course and let’s shed some sunlight on dark corners. Spring cleaning starts here.