I have been looking back through this blog…ostensibly to find a poem I wrote about the anarchy of soft play. Still haven’t found it but in the meantime I have had the chance to relive many moments and reassess my reactions now and then to what was going on.

My first thoughts are that I was remarkably strong and positive and determined considering the amount of unhappiness I was experiencing. The pressures I was facing were extreme. The blog and writing poetry were life savers. I can’t underestimate the helpfulness of having this corner of cyberspace to play in. I think every teenager should be presented with a domain name and a WordPress account when they hit 16. Then they will always be able to record what is important to them. Anyway, I digress.

My second thought is how wrong I was when it came to how I reacted to the pressure being turned up. I tried to be everything to everybody. I tried to please. I cajoled and coaxed when I should have just laid down the law around what I wanted m. The PD diagnosis was a wrecking ball through my life but my reactions didn’t acknowledge that properly. I had no ‘voice of reason’ at home to give me perspective or support. I was increasingly the children’s carer which was exhausting. I was miserable.

And now? Well today I started today tilting at windmills. I was so sad and frustrated and scared. The last month has been busy and I’m paying for it in spades. I have what I think is a chest infection, my cough is keeping me awake, the kids are on long holiday and being typical teens, I have too much in my plate and the 20mg of CR Ropinerole I take each morning is now seemingly only available in 2mg denominations. Yes, 10 pills to pop out of the pack first thing. Imagine.

I’ve calmed down a bit and reading the blog gave me some perspective. I have loads to be thankful for, I know. I do really. But it’s not healthy to gloss over the shit bits, I know that now. And right here today is a shit bit. The art is in how to manage this decline without a fall. It’s a life skill and I guess I’m in training. Today it feels impossible. I hope that changes. It usually does.

Awake