Sooooo it’s a few months after the last post. I fell down a rabbit hole dear reader. I can honestly say that the period since I left hospital has been both awful and in some ways incredibly enriching. I have learnt so much about myself, my friends and family and my capacity for survival, mental and physical. Where to start really….so many things. I will try to keep it simple because essentially the learnings have come down to simple truths….
I have learnt that time is finite and things are constantly changing. This is good and bad. Pain will pass as does pleasure. Everything will go. All will come. So now is the only real thing and experience we have.
This may sound like zen claptrap but it’s really true. I have had nights where I seriously thought I was heading off into the blue yonder, times where meds have failed or I have doubted my sanity. But they all pass. I have seen my partner do anything he can to help me and eventually this has led to me understanding that his presence is what I needed.
I realised that with him I was not alone. I didn’t have to get thru life by myself. There was somebody who I could hand over to, completely trust, who knew me. I had been alone until that point. Despite umpteen years of marriage I had ultimately been alone. Every time I needed to be supported and cared for I was let down and so I trusted only myself. Compounded with non existent self belief after years of gaslighting and Criticism and financial coercion so insidious I never even suspected a dot of what later transpired, it’s taken me five years to start to see the truth.
I have never written about the unhappy times really. I have preferred to be a cheerleader but I have now learnt that a dose of honesty is also good. It doesn’t cover over hard lessons – it lets them stick up in plain view. Balance is everything and life is not always sweet. I will still not write about specific episodes but I am more able to tackle the principles involved now. There’s so much that goes unsaid because of inequalities in strength, influence and money in the wake of a split. So often it is skewed. Aggressors get away with it. It’s a fact. So wrong but that’s the truth of it.
But, I have also learnt that despite the hard times the changes wrought were the right ones. My children have suffered undoubtably but I honestly believe that they are better off now than they would have been had we stayed. My illness is traumatic and must scare them but it’s also brought us time together, long discussions, crazy monopoly games and trips to far away places. Adventures have teeth but that’s what makes them exciting.
The aftermath of the brain operations in March gave me plenty of time to think this all through. I spent a lot of my post divorce time trying to be civil and not turn into a bitter harpy. I think I went too far the other way and my avoidance of conflicts has perhaps led to truth being somewhat of a victim. Silence may make handovers smoother and keep the maintenance moving my way but it doesn’t give good examples and track the RPI.
I started this blog late May 2010, two months after my youngest son was born. It’s my third child and my confidante. I can hardly believe it’s 12 years old. It took me years to see reality. I still love my art, my stitching and my creativity. My essence is still there. I remain Polliemath. But I have more layers now, a deeper perspective. And that’s a good thing. Tomorrow is another day but tonight I will go to sleep (I hope) safe in my new life, not alone any more.