Bullseye

So, here I am, alive with the realisation that I am here. That it’s OK to say “I like it like this please” or I want to do this” but also anticipating push back when I do. I worry about that. So, let’s think about that for a while.

I worry that I will be disliked if I say my needs even though I know I should give myself at least the same level of cooperation I bestow on others. I should really be prioritising myself. Look at me. I have serious health issues. I am responsible for two boys. Not only that, but I am only 51. I have a life ahead of me.

It’s up to me to determine what kind of life that will be. This is not PD related. This is true of us all. It always has been. It’s just taken a long time to link my intellectual awareness of this fact with a deeper, emotional, acceptance of it. I have fought it, who knows why, for years. So much wasted energy.

But finally the light in my heart has now begun to connect with the swinging bulb hanging by a thread, my errant brain. I’m starting to FEEL that I’m worth it. Not just SAY it and hope it happens.

To digress a little…I had a lovely lunch wrapped in blankets sitting outside in the cold Spring sunshine yesterday. My very good friend and I have both had challenging times and have dragged each other through the tough times, cajoling, kicking, sobbing. And yesterday we surveyed how far we have both come. We stood on the brow of our hill of recovery and looked down over the scarred and broken landscapes below us. And I thought that we have come so far and how wonderful life can be.

It’s such a precious resource, time. It’s the only thing just about that we can’t make more of. And through this change process I feel like I have been given a chance to make my allocation sweeter, more satisfying if you like. And the key for me is this valuing of myself.

To end off then, something that lifted my understanding…I have, as part of my ways of healing myself, been doing a lot of meditation. Well, a lot for me, maybe not for you. I do 10 minutes or so every day and it’s really something that I rely on now. The other day the guide said something that hit me hard. I started crying, and it suddenly made so much sense. What were these words?

“Relax. You have nowhere to go to right now. No one to be.”

No one to be. That’s it. That’s my bullseye. I can be me. That’s what is required. No other version. Simples. But so not simple.

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